Buying The Farm

 Buying the Farm

‘I’d like one copper axe, please.’

‘A… what?’

Nervous sweat beaded down Henry’s face as he glanced around the hardware store, pushing his round glasses back up his nose. ‘A copper… axe?’

The young man behind the counter looked confused. He scratched a chubby finger through his scruffy brown beard. ‘Is that like a brand or something? I’m new so I’m still kinda…’

‘Everything ok over here?’ This guy looked like he knew what he was doing, his scarred arms seemed like they’d used every tool in the shop, or he’d been in a particularly interesting knife fight… as did the scar above his left eye.

‘This guy’s looking for a…’

‘A copper axe!’

‘Kid I’ve been a woodworker for longer than you’ve been alive, and I guarantee you I ain’t never even SEEN a goddamn copper axe. What the hell would you want something like that for?’

‘Well I uh…’ he looked away, suddenly abashed. ‘I bought a farm,’ he whispered.’

‘Why the hell would you do that?’

‘Well see, I used to be a programmer, and the only thing that kept me going some days was being able to spend a couple hours on my farm… you know, cut down a bunch of trees, do some fishing, maybe plant some crops.’

‘What the hell kinda farm is this?’

‘It’s a…’, his voice softened, ‘a video game.’

‘And you think in a couple of hours, you can cut down a bunch of trees, go fishing, and plant some crops.’

‘Well I mean, at first.’

‘What the hell do you mean at first?’

‘Well next season hopefully I can branch out, maybe buy some cows, start making some cheese…’

‘But you gotta start with a copper axe, right?’

Passion welled in Henry’s soft brown eyes. ‘Gotta start somewhere!’

‘Kid, I don’t know how the hell I’m the one telling you this, but running a farm ain’t that easy, and it ain’t a game.’

Henry’s face turned sombre. ‘I know, and there’s always a learning curve, but I’m a fast learner, at least most of the time.’

‘What the hell do you mean, most of the time?’

‘Well like English and math, especially math.’

‘What about… oh I dunno… shop class?’

Henry scowled. ‘I tried that once. I have never been so terrified. Loud noises and sawdust everywhere.’

‘So you hate working with wood but you need a copper axe to cut down the trees on your farm?’

Henry nodded. ‘Well like, at first…’

‘Kid, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.’

Henry’s face brightened. ‘Great, I’m all ears!’

He leaned in close. ‘You should probably start with a steel axe,’ he whispered.

Henry’s eyes widened. ‘You can DO that?’

‘I’d like one chainsaw, please. And a first aid kit… and a wheelbarrow. Pronto on that first aid kit… please.’

‘Havin’ a hell of a time on that farm are ya? Lemme open that kit. Don’t bleed on my floor.’

Henry sighed. ‘Thanks.’ His eyes snapped wide, as though shaken from a daze. His bleary gaze moved from the first aid kit to the blood-soaked bandage clumsily wrapped around his left hand. ‘Can you… that is…’

The woodworker chuckled. ‘Need a hand?

Henry sighed, shoulders slumping. ‘Well actually…’

‘I was young once too, kid. I made my share of mistakes,’ he carefully wrapped the bandage around the strangely axe-shaped gash on his wrist. ‘I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learned.’ He looked Henry straight in the eyes. ‘If you can’t cut down a tree, don’t buy a goddamn farm.’

Henry scowled, then determination infused his posture. ‘We’ll see, we’ll see…

‘What’s your return policy on chainsaws?’ Blood leaked from about a hair's breadth above his left eye. His glasses were absent.’

‘Well, not using it first would be one damn thing.’

Henry sighed. ‘Yeah…’

‘…and Is this your damn blood?’

Henry sighed. ‘Wanna buy a farm?’