Posts

Buying The Farm

  Buying the Farm ‘I’d like one copper axe, please.’ ‘A… what?’ Nervous sweat beaded down Henry’s face as he glanced around the hardware store, pushing his round glasses back up his nose. ‘A copper… axe?’ The young man behind the counter looked confused. He scratched a chubby finger through his scruffy brown beard. ‘Is that like a brand or something? I’m new so I’m still kinda…’ ‘Everything ok over here?’ This guy looked like he knew what he was doing, his scarred arms seemed like they’d used every tool in the shop, or he’d been in a particularly interesting knife fight… as did the scar above his left eye. ‘This guy’s looking for a…’ ‘A copper axe!’ ‘Kid I’ve been a woodworker for longer than you’ve been alive, and I guarantee you I ain’t never even SEEN a goddamn copper axe. What the hell would you want something like that for?’ ‘Well I uh…’ he looked away, suddenly abashed. ‘I bought a farm,’ he whispered.’ ‘Why the hell would you do that?’ ‘Well see, I used to be a progr
Post a Comment
Read more

The Dishwasher

  The Dishwasher Most of my working life in Ontario was spent in commercial kitchens, and in most of those kitchens, I was washing dishes. More than any other job I ever worked for somebody else, I was the best. I loved washing dishes, particularly the parts involving free food, and being surrounded by extroverts, who wouldn’t have jobs if they weren’t hard workers. I would have a hard time choosing my favorite dishwashing job, because I had so much fun and was challenged in different ways by several. My two favorites however, were definitely East Side, Mario‘s in Waterloo, and milestones in London, Ontario. Everyone at East side Mario‘s was really freaking nice. Many people were attending university since it’s right next to the University of Waterloo. Lots of people in the kitchen had great taste in music, and it seemed to me like all I had to do, was take the dishes that were dirty, spray them with the thingy, and put them in the machine. Seems simple, right? Apparently not, because
Post a Comment
Read more

The Disappearing Turtle

The Disappearing Turtle When I was six years old, my neighbour gave me a turtle. I can’t remember which neighbour, but I’m very grateful, as he was the BEST pet, and I will give you a few reasons why. They have a life expectancy of 30+ years, so you likely won’t be going through many turtles in your lifetime. They are super low maintenance, as long as you feed them in a bucket, and leave them in the bucket long enough to do their business. Finally, they teach you the importance of good hygiene, because they can carry salmonella so you need to wash your hands thoroughly whenever you touch them.  When I was eight or nine, the turtle vanished! We had him out walking around, as we normally did when we were home- he maybe have been running around with my guinea pig, who he got along very well with… so how does a turtle just disappear? A week passes. I’m in the basement, about as dark and gloomy as I was feeling, when I heard a faint scratching, and found the turtle wedged between a baseboar
Post a Comment
Read more

Secrets

Secrets I don’t say this often, but the date was off to a great start. After a particularly depressing dry spell of about two years, here I was, sitting across from Summer, a girl WAY out of my league. Her jeans were tight in all my favorite places, as was her white tank top. Her skin was light brown, light milk chocolate. ‘I think we should share secrets,’ she said about five minutes in to our date. We were at Tipsy’s, the only bar in town with a dart board, and a bewildering collection of board games. ‘You go first,’ she said’ I took a sip from my first pint, and glanced at her nearly empty double. Sailor Jerry’s, Amaretto and Orange Juice. Try it and you’ll probably love it… until you don’t. ‘Ok,’ I said slowly. ‘I like… smoking weed?’ She smiled at her, her beautiful eyes like a kaleidoscope of brown, starting to show the light glaze that accompanies drinking a double in five generous sips. Her lips looked so soft and… shiny. ‘Wow,’ she said with either nervousness or well-faked s
Post a Comment
Read more

Lapsang Souchong

I love tea, and have loved tea as long as I can remember loving anything, except bacon. I want to emphasise that when I say tea, I’m talking about products of Camellia sinensis, so that includes black, green, oolong and white tea. If it’s not one of those things, it’s not tea, though I have no doubt it’s very tasty, and that the first ingredient is apples (don’t ask me why). Tea has a sliding scale with antioxidants at one end, and caffeine at the other end. After the tea is picked and exposed to air it begins to oxidise. As it oxidises the liquid gets darker, and the wonderful antioxidants that occur in the leaves turn in equally-wonderful caffeine. White tea is steamed as soon as it’s plucked, so it’s low in caffeine and very high in antioxidants and expensiveness. The steeped liquid is kind of a yellowy gold. Green tea has more caffeine and less antioxidants, but still has lots of antioxidants and it’s… green. Black tea has more caffeine, less antioxidants, etc.  Then there’s the bl
Post a Comment
Read more

Lisa

Lisa Lisa invited me to see Tangled, in the movie theatre that was shortly shut down by the fire department for code violations. When we met up, she looked lovely- about 5’3”, wearing a green paisley dress showing an impressive amount of cleavage. We got our popcorn and disgustingly sugary sodas, and took our seats, along with eight other people, in a theatre extra-dimly lit because many of the bulbs were burn out. The trailers began, probably for other Disney movies. I took a bite of stale popcorn. Yuck. I took a sip of coke and it was totally flat. Yuck. I ask Lisa to taste her diet soda and it’s… awful. She shrugged. “I just want to enjoy my snacks and the movie.’ I smile. At least I’m with a pretty girl.  ‘Oh my god…’ we hear from the projection booth. ‘Holy shit… WHAT THE FUCK!’ Click. Movie shuts off, leaving all ten of us in awkward silence.  A few minutes later the few remaining lights come on and a pimples-faced usher entered, informing us there would be a slight 5-10 minute d
Post a Comment
Read more

Lost and Found: Chapter 2

  Chapter 2 Standing outside the gate with Jessica, I looked in to her eyes, and felt like I was looking deep within myself, connecting to places hidden behind such high walls I hadn’t even known they existed. Though we had just met, I knew, just knew, that my life would never be like it was, and whatever happened would be worth the ride, as long as we were in it together.. She giggled, turning her gaze away, then brushed my face with the long, slender fingers of her soft, pale hand. Odin farted. Beer, human flesh and whatever drugs Brandon had in his system mixed with the general foulness of doggy digestion, especially with these pure-bred little bulldog princes. Loki grunted and staggered towards him, and toppled in to the butt he had been about to sniff. After a stunned second, Loki flopped on his back, paws in the air, and left out a thunderous response, louder and more foul than our foulest of nightmares. Jessica frowned, covering her nose and taking an involuntary step
Post a Comment
Read more